10-26-09

1:54am

here i am staying up once more thinking about things. i never thought that this moment had came back to me. it felt like it was yesterday again. im caught up thinking and wondering around my mind once more. how can this be? im not sure exactly but it does feel good in a way to see the past again. i saw the movie 17 again with zach effrin or however you spell his name. brings back good high school memories that i miss. if i could go back in high school like he did, i would take that chance. not that we are old and settling down for divorce. i don't want that to happen, EVER.

lately ive been feeling quite lonely in a way. i miss the past and how it used to be. i miss her the most. she's probably the main reason why ive been feeling this way for the past couple weeks and now its really hitting me hard. i feel left out of this world and have no one to really spend time with you know? i know everyone has a life, but there's always this moment in time where you would have a break and not be busy 24/7. i know its crazy cause im taking 17 units in college. i still be able to have time and make time for things. she's always busy now a days with her life. she has class in the morning, then right after she goes to her first job and then after the first, she would go to the second job. i don't really know why she's doing this... maybe she's really going with our little plan for the future.

as for myself, i feel confused, lost, lonely, depressed... and i miss my friends. my friends don't know this because they seem so adapted to their life and only worrying about them and just being happy and going with the flow of life. i see that they're struggling a bit and i try to help them out here and there. doesn't help too much when they listen and don't take the advice. anyways im rambling off topic.

i want to draw again but im getting no encouragement at all. something i've grown up with since i was 2-3... or that's the farthest i can remember. drawing relaxes me like music. together they both make me fall into a trance and just feels like i can fly.

im really stressing out lately for so many reasons i can't even think of right now. im lacking in sleep, i don't eat correctly, and i use a lot of energy during the day. im improving little by little though. i once feel again that my life is moving at a very slow pace. ive lost myself and i need to gain back conscious and get back into reality. ive had lots of dreams lately where i would be struggling with something in m dream. i should've listen to my conscious more often, it feels like i am really gonna struggle this bad in life or something who knows... i always get carried away in life, i guess i could be a little scared that my life is slowing washing away. i feel like i can make a bigger impact in my life as a young age. many other kids around my age already have a huge title under their belts. they're great with their occupation and living the wealthy life. but here i am slowly working my way up, and i still don't know where this is gonna take me. its easier to ride the wave than fight it. most importantly, i feel very distant from my gf. i always tried to make time for her when i used to work and went to school. she even tells me that she was suffering when i was working and didn't spend a lot of time with her. it's true that i was busy but i still made time for her. even if i had my bestfriend at the time to hang around with all the time, he keeps me from being miserable and staying at home all the time. well that's how i am now, sadly. i go to school and come home immediately. i don't hang out with anyone or do anything. i have no energy if someone invites me somewhere (like that ever happens) or to do something. i always want to talk to her and just be connected to her somehow. my gf lives far away and it's hard to keep a long distant relationship. i trust her fully but sometimes she's just leading people on by the way she acts. for example, there's a guy that is obsessed with her and won't leaver her alone. even though many people had talked to him, the guy is too blind to listen. even i've talked to him myself, but if this doesn't stop then im gonna step in. there's these two other dumb fucks, that are her friends, are encouraging the guy to keep going after her when they KNOW that she is taken. bullshit man... im getting heated for nothing now... great.

whatever, other things that are bothering me is just that i don't wanna go back into my old self where i felt like i was the one fighting the world. i felt more happier back then when my life was actually busy and i kept myself content. i tried doing that this semester but for some reason i still feel like im just waisting my time. i want a job, but im stubborn as fuck to accept any job that hires me. a job is a job is what i keep telling myself but im too stubborn to think that i can find better. i wanna save up money to go with our goal that we made. a pack, pretty much for out future.

another thing is, i do worry about her a lot. she doesn't know that she means more than anything i can compare to. when im busy as fuck in life and shit never goes right, i still make that little effort to give her a call or text her. regardless of what it is, at least i let her know that i didn't forget about her. but it doesn't look like it from the other way around. i ask so little and still get nothing. is it too hard to text me good morning? or "i just got to class" or something you know? something is better than nothing. i try doing it every chance i get, and i get nothing back or sometime... maybe... maybe something back. i alway wait for her to call me cause i know she has time to talk to me. but whenever i call her she's always busy doing something even though she tells me she isn't. there's always some fuckin distraction or someone talking to her and there i am listening to their conversation. i put time into talking to her and want to spend time with her but i don't see the same in return. she's always with her friends, even though she said she doesn't have time to. i just don't feel welcome or even loved by her anymore. she might miss me and have me in her mind but i don't see it. maybe i feel a little selfish but she always hangs out with this guy. he's a really nice guy and also my friend, but i see that he's starting to grow attached to her. i don't like to be the dick that ends friendship and shit but i trust her and him to take care of things. i do feel jealous that she is doing this to me. how would she feel if i was doing this to her. who knows... i always put myself in other people's perspective to see how they would feel. i understand most of the time and the rest in questioning. should i just leave and vanish from her life? maybe i should take a little vacation from this and come back later and see how things are doing. if she's doing better than she can definitely do better without me being around. if she does miss me, she would let me know. i don't if this seems stupid, and it's seen in every romance movie and novel whatever. but it's just how it is... and not everything has a happy ending. i have so much shit to talk to her about because she's the only person that knows me the most. she can figure things out about myself that i can't even figure out. when she asks me what's wrong, i just tell her nothing. why? because i don't want her to worry about me, she has many other things to worry about in her life and i don't want to be a burden to her. i would gladly tell her how i feel and what's going on in my life but i don't think she has that time. i would gladly tell her if she can just lay down and have a one on one talk like how we do everyday. now i barely talk to her throughout the day. maybe a text or two is probably the most i get to talk to her. she said she'll call whenever she heads to bed still nothing. i have to wake up in less than 5 hours but i can never sleep on a restless mind. this is the most that we haven't talked. it feels like ive been going through days without talking to her. i know my iphone is not working at the moment, but i still try to make it up to her and finding some other way to talk to her. she doesn't see that... i feel so unloved by her. my heart even hurts to think about this. i don't even want to start thinking about other bad things. my heart probably cannot take it anymore. i don't want the past to come back and haunt me. maybe life is just being rough for now so im just gonna go with the flow and live my normal life. i currently turned off my old spare phone and i want to avoid everyone for a week or so. maybe i can find myself again and just take a break from life and just breathe... prepare myself to come back into my life once more.

i made this blog because i got tired of my old blogs ive created on xanga. that page has too many pasts that i don't want to look back to. im starting a new one and recording my present and my future life. i don't want to look back into the things ive went through. i am a happier person and more wise than i ever did in my life. im just a normal 21 year old kid, i got a great future ahead of me. i can't worry about the past, i have no regrets. the past is what made me who i am today and i accept that. i haven't made a blog in over years and maybe once every 6-8 months ill make another one. well ill try to make some more posts soon to keep track of my life.

well that's pretty much all i could think about for the moment. i don't want to over stress myself and keep me up all night. gonna lay back down and fiddle with my mind and hope it relaxes. don't wanna get sick cause of all this bullshit happening again.

2:48am